Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (August 14, 2009)

A TOTALLY SERIOUS, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEK

IMHO "no homo" is a no go, idiots who write letters to the editor, Texas’ anti-gay bragging rights and more about Brian Boitano.

Last week, Slate posted Does This Purple Mink Make Me Look Gay? about the rise of "no homo" in hip-hop and whether or not the term was in some way a good thing for us gays. The author, Jonah Weiner, took a fair bit of flak for writing about something not exactly new, but what annoyed me was the twisted logic that it’s somehow progress for rappers to say "no homo" in situations both homoerotic and not.

I can’t quite follow Weiner’s twisted thinking, but according to him, just uttering the words "no homo" somehow lessens the rigidity of the homophobia being expressed by the rapper. Or something.

Um, sure, Jonah. To my ears, it sounds like the same homophobia we’ve been getting from hip-hop for years. Personally, I’ll say no thanks to “no homo.”

George Deller of Bel Air, Maryland stopped drooling long enough to scribble a letter to the Baltimore Sun saying he’s decided to support same-sex marriage after opposing it his entire life. But he says his new enlightenment makes him believe we should go even further and allow mothers to marry sons, brothers marry sisters, etc. He proposes calling it the "the Same-Sex/Incestuous Marriage Act of 2009."

Yes, it’s that tired ass-slippery slope argument we’ve been hearing for years where we all end up married to dolphins and our flat screen televisions.

I’m just certain that when women started gaining equality under marriage, George was there warning that slippery slope would end up here, and he argued that men should just keep owning women along with other livestock. What a jackass is our George. (BTW, you’ll see on page three why I’m being so hard on straight morons like George this week.)

Despite the fact that Australia’s Perfect Couple was cut from an hour to thirty minutes due to tanking ratings, and that the show is down to only four couples, AE reader Prometheus_Welsh reports that the show’s gay couple still aren’t getting much screen time. I’d say that’s a bad thing, but given how awful the show apparently is, it might be for the best.

imhotexasTexas likes to claim lots of bragging rights and thanks to the latest rankings of homophobic colleges in the U.S., they get to lay claim to having four of the most anti-gay colleges in the country. Go Mustangs! The four Texas schools that George Deller above would probably most like to attend include the University of Dallas (#8), Baylor University (#11), Southern Methodist University (#14), and Texas A&M (#15).

Other homophobic schools making the list include Wheaton College (#1), Brigham Young (#7) and Pepperdine University (#17).

Meanwhile New York University, Stanford University and New College of Florida rank first, second and third when it comes to being gay-friendly. (The lists were compiled by the Princeton Review and are based on surveys of college students.) BTW, anyone ever heard of the New College of Florida before? And via Queerty, I found a more in-depth ranking of gay-friendly colleges that might prove a more thorough guide.

Earlier this week, I wrote about my experience at the Television Critics Association Summer Tour in Los Angeles when I tried to interview Brian Boitano about his new show What Would Brian Boitano Make? My story was subsequently picked up by Towleroad, The Advocate, Queerty and Outsports.com. The mainstream media? Crickets. No one touched the story, not that I’m surprised. And no doubt the Food Network is thrilled about that.

Maybe if I’d used my magic marker to draw crude graffiti on Brian’s face, Entertainment Weekly might write about our site and call us gay-rights activists and daring provocateurs. Shudder. I’d rather right ad copy for 7-11’s Big Gulps.

I thought I’d address a couple of issues here some folks raised about the article. A number of readers pointed out that the Food Network has had gay personalities on air before and that the publicist who rebuffed me might have been Brian’s personal publicist.

To the first point, yes, the network has had gay people on the air, which is great. But this is an entirely new show built around one celebrity and the stakes are considerably higher. That might account for their reluctance to address something some might consider "controversial." Notice I said “account for” and not “excuse.”

To the second point, perhaps it was Brian’s publicist who fed me the B.S. about the show focusing "strictly" on the food, but A) I doubt it and B) that makes no difference to me. This was an official Food Network event that was being held to promote a Food Network show to the media. Brian is now working for the Food Network and they are all responsible for how they represent themselves.

BTW, if the Food Network wants to clarify the matter and make Brian available to chat with me, I’m not hard to find. After all, they’re the ones who approached me in the first place. But I’m not holding my breath and you shouldn’t either.

Next Page! Whichever shows shall we Facebook recap next?

YOU ASKED FOR FACEBOOK RECAPS, SO WERE GOING TO GIVE THEM TO YOU!
Our Facebook recaps for Torchwood: Children of Earth turned out to be so popular &#8212 and we’ve received so many requests to Facebook recap other shows &#8212 that we’ve decided to go ahead and do just that! Cue the confetti! 

But there is a hitch in that giddy-up as the recaps are a ton of work, which means we can only recap two shows at a time. But we want your input as to which shows we do. So kindly take the poll below in which you can choose two shows you’d like us to Facebook recap. (And if you have suggestions, add them in the comments.)

John: I know your first choice was Southland, but what was second, kid?
Ben (to self): So no way am I telling him I voted for
Melrose Place!

We’ve also got a second question for you about the recaps. We could do different shows week to week depending on which looks the most "gay" or the most interesting that week. So if in one episode of Brothers & Sisters’ Kevin and Scotty are going to get lost camping and kill a bear with their bare hands, we could recap that. Then the next week if Officer Coop on Southland was going to go out on a date with Brian Boitano, we could recap that. 

Please note, our decision won’t be based entirely on the results of this poll as there are other factors we have to consider, but I promise we will try to do the shows you most want!

If you want to skip the Asshat voting, just click here!

Next page! Asshat soliders and donut sellers!  

ASSHAT OF THE WEEK NOMINEES!
Heavy is the head that wears the Asshat crown for two weeks in a row, but I doubt too many of us feel bad for Bishop Whasshisface from the Church of England who won the Asshat crown before I took off for the TCA.

But it is time to crown a new winner so allow me to present you with this week’s nominees!

1) Tim Horton’s Donuts


Y
ou want some of this, Big Boy? You know you do!

Why? The iconic Canadian restaurant chain decided it would provide free coffee to about 250, um, bigots in Rhode Island who were going to participate in a National Organization Marriage rally to keep ’mos from getting married in that state. The chain has since pulled their "sponsorship" as it violated their own corporate guidelines. But I still think they are Asshat nomination worthy. And that their coffee sucks.

#2 Shmuel Preimak

Why? No doubt were he not locked up in a Tel Aviv jail right now, Shmeul would’ve wished to attend the NOM rally in Rhode Island. Unfortunately for this ultra-Orthodox Jewish wingnut, who threatened to attack gays marching to commemorate the victims of the recent anti-gay shooting in Tel Aviv, the police got to him in time and are now investigating whether he’s connected to previous anti-gay attacks.

Next page! Evil columnists from hell!

#3 Dick Yarbrough

Why? Our third nominee is this Southern-born humor columnist who this week suggested that the Marietta, Georgia City Council "should train dogs to to severely dislike the gay lovers in Burruss and Wildwood and bite them in the fanny." Ha ha, that’s so funny! Surely Dick knows this wouldn’t be funny if gay-bashings and murders of gay people still took place, but since those days are long gone, Dick’s joke is hi-larious!

For the record, I’m no fan of public sex in city parks or elsewhere and am all for the police enforcing laws against it. But I do have one caveat: places rife with homophobic old farts &#8212 say Georgia &#8212 where gay people have no rights and are routinely gay-bashed and harassed, do not get to sit around and whine about closet cases who go have sex in public places so their families don’t find out they’re gay.

As your beloved bible says, Dick, you reap what you sow.

#4 Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council

Why? Boy, it’s just the week for Asshat straight white guys, isn’t it? Sprigg, the senior fellow for policy studies, penned a hate-filled screed concerning President Obama’s awarding a Presidential Medal of Freedom to gay civil rights pioneer Harvey Milk.

Sprigg claims the award is the first ever based on nothing but a person’s sex life. To prove his "point", Sprigg cites sexual details of Milk’s life from Harvey Shilts’ biography of Milk, The Mayor of Casto Street. For Sprigg, this is some sort of proof that Milk was a deviant who did nothing substantial with his life — a life that was ended by a straight man, something Sprigg fails to mention.

Sprigg is the perfect embodiment of a bigot. It’s exactly his sort who created the hateful environment men like Harvey Milk had to grow up in. Maybe Milk’s first sexual experience wouldn’t have happened furtively in a public space if bigots like Sprigg weren’t locking gay people up in jail or mental institutions where hundreds of volts of electricity were pumped into their brains.

To take Milk’s legacy and reduce it this nasty, nasty column is one of the most repugnant things I’ve read in a long time. I think it’s time for a new poll: Monster of the Week. I nominate Spriggs.

Next page! This week’s Gay of the Week!

GAY OF THE WEEK!
This week pitted four new contenders against each other. In this corner, we had Miss J. Alexander, winner of the the Fabulousity Teen Choice award squaring off against fired news anchor Charles Perez, those out and proud dancers Vogue Evolution on America’s Best Dance Crew and Mr. Oliver Fish from One Life to Live and the winner is…

Fish! Not quite a crushing win, but I assume you’ll be having white wine to celebrate?

I’M GUESSING SPRIGGS, YARBROUGH AND GEORGE DIDN’T VOTE FOR MISS J!
Last weekend was the Teen Choice Awards (Official motto: Today’s Heart Throbs, Tomorrow’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Off of Here participants) and this year’s event included the Choice TV: Fab-U-Lous award. The nominees were Miss J. Alexander (America’s Next Top Model), Perez Hilton, Carson Kressley (How to Look Good Naked), Rex Lee (Entourage), and Michael Urie (Ugly Betty).

Miss J is faboulous…

Kudos to Miss J for winning and the Teen Choice Awards for being inclusive, but how come this category was the only one named as a euphemism? Do they really think Peter Sprigg is too stupid to figure out what the award really is for?

And here are more pics from the big night!

Corbin Bleu and Ashley Tisdale

The Black-Eyed Peas

One hottie and two lesbians who are not teens

The Jonas Brothers aka VH1’s Behind the Scenes 2020 episode

Kathy Griffin and a boy toy named Levi

Two guys who look vaguely familiar now but won’t in five years

 

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION

True Blood isn’t ringing quite as true, Vogue Evolution soars, Kathy G. scores, Secret Life bores, and NYC Prep gets an … up arrow? 

TRUE BLOOD: As much as I genuinely like this show, some things are starting to wear a little thin. Tara is not a dumb woman, yet despite bizarro thing after bizarro thing happening to her, she keeps right on doing whatever Maryanne asks. And Jason’s sudden redemption this week was a bit unbelievable as well. Yes, he’s dumb, but he needs to be believable as well. That being said, loving Godrick and his storyline. More of that, please!

AMERICA’S BEST DANCE CREW: If you want gay dancers, forget So You Think You Can Dance and check out MTV’s dance show featuring the out and proud crew Vogue Evolution. This show celebrates gays instead of mocking them. Take that, Lythgoe.

KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST: How befitting that Kathy ends up a star on the Walk of Fame in … Palm Springs. But in typical Kathy fashion, it all works out well and her mother Maggie seems genuinely moved. Maybe it’s because unlike in L.A. where they honor Ryan Seacrest, Maggie recognizes the names of celebrities living there such as Carol Channing , Barry Manilow and Adam and Eve.

JOAN RIVER’S ROAST: The show gets a side arrow because it was very hit and miss which averages out to this. The ups? Kathy Griffin, Whitney Cummings and a hilarious Gilbert Gottfried who told one of the funniest stories ever at the expense of Brad Garrett. Not so funny was Mario Cantone (who had more funny jokes told about him), Garrett and, frankly, Joan herself.


SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER: It’s not that I mind the rather unrealistic portrayal of being gay in high school here (hey, why not show things as being great somewhere!) but the acting on this show is atrocious. I can’t say I like any of the actors, but especially bad is India Easley who performs as if she’s trying to convey as little emotion as possible. And she’s succeeding.

NYC PREP: PC graduated from high school! Yay! This means he won’t be back on the show next year, right? Right? And this was the last episode, so the show gets an up arrow just for that! BTW, huge boos to Bravo for pretending anything was going to happen with PC’s sexuality. Why should I believe them the next time they tease something gay on one of their shows?


ENTOURAGE: Not only does this season feel very much "been there, done that", but I also feel bamboozled about Lloyd’s "new" great storyline. As far as I can tell, not much is different in how Ari treats Lloyd and that’s getting really old.

MIAMI SOCIAL: At least the twits on NYC Prep can claim their age as an excuse to behave like morons. These "adults" have no excuse for their appalling behavior and the thought of any them reproducing is horrifying. And three weeks away from MS while at the TCA did nothing to improve it. In fact, watching three episodes in a row suddenly makes being attacked by homophobic dogs seem appealing.


NURSE JACKIE: Edie Falco continues to shine as does the whole secondary cast. But the part I like best is that Jackie’s life is starting to unravel &#8212 big time. And that’s very real.

Next page! What to watch this week!

FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE!

Afraid we don’t have anything gay at the box office this weekend, but we do have three movies that at least look intriguing for one reason or another. Oh, and they all happen to have cuties starring in them.

I love scifi and I love Peter Jackson, so I am totally there for his new flick District 9 starring the unknown (in the U.S. anyway) and interestingly named Sharlto Copley. This intriguing movie is about a group of alien refugees trapped near Johannesburg, South Africa. I know, I know — another alien movie set in South Africa. Aren’t there any new ideas out there?

Up next is The Time Traveler’s Wife based on the wonderful book by Audrey Niffenegger. Part scifi, part romance, the novel worked on both counts. Eric Bana stars so it should at least be easy on the eyes. And did I mention that when you travel through time, you have to do it naked? And that Bana plays the time traveler? In case that kind of thing interests you.

Ashton Kutcher, Sharlto Copley, Eric Bana
Half-naked, not naked, very naked (at least in the movie!)

Finally, Ashton Kutcher, the male Sandra Bullock, shows up in yet another crapppy looking romcom, this one called Spread about a hot young male thang in Hollywood. This oddly named pic also stars Anne Heche as a cougar-type woman who I’m guessing shows Ashton the ropes.  

FYI, RottenTomatoes.com currently has District 9 at 100% fresh, Spread at 33% and The Time Traveler’s Wife at 22%.

Friday night’s television kicks off with VH1’s Rock Docs, this time taking a look at Andy Warhol back in the 60s’. You know, ancient history. Meanwhile over on Real Time with Bill Maher, Mr. Kutcher drops by along with Brad Pitt. Best of all, Marco is back on a special Degrassi: The Next Generation as the gang heads off to Hollywood. I bet they’re sorry now they let Perez have a cameo…

Saturday night has the fourth episode of Russell Tovey’s Being Human on BBC America and HGTV has a new Color Splash with David Bromstad.

Sunday night is pretty gay with new episodes of Big Brother, Entourage, Design Star, True Blood (which sounds very interesting), and America’s Best Dance Crew with the out crew Vogue Evolution. Also Mad Men returns Sunday night. Watch it. I’m just saying.

Monday night is another episode of the now dreadful The Secret Life of the American Teenager called "Hot Nuts." Hmm, that sounds suspicious. Unless the cast took acting lessons that week, I’ve little reason to think it will be any better. Maybe Brando Eaton will go shirtless the whole time.

Next page! Do you really want to see the BGWE running down the street naked?

Ruben is still alive on Dance Your Ass Off and doing well. If you’d like to watch a bunch of guys potentially slapping each other on their bums, check out Monday night football when the Carolina Panthers play the New York Giants.

Flying through the air with the greatest of ease…

There are also new episodes of Raising the Bar (oh, is that still on?), Weeds and Nurse Jackie. Oh, and can I name drop for a moment? At the CBS/Showtime party at the TCA, I got to meet NJ’s creators Liz Brixius and Linda Wallem, the lesbian duo who dreamed up this show. I’m happy to report they are funny, smart and down-to-earth. In fact, they are two of the least Hollywood types I’ve ever met.

Things improve hugely Tuesday’s on Bravo as we not only have the season (and dare we hope series) finale of Miami Social (dare I hope a surprise hurricane strikes carrying the whole cast far, far out to sea?), but the return of Jeff Lewis on Flipping Out. Only Miami Social and NYC Prep could make Jeff seem like someone I’d like to go on vacation with. Thankfully, Jenni is back and Jeff has a new assistant named Trace … who doesn’t eat much.

Ash from Top Chef, Trace and Jeff not eating on Flipping Out

Barvo gets even better on Wednesday with the return of one of my favorite reality shows, Top Chef. This time it’s set in Las Vegas and Team Gay includes out chef Ash. Dare we hope he lasts past episode one (as opposed to last season’s gay cheftestant who flambeed out ASAP). There is also a new Real World: Cancun.

Thursday is another new Big Brother plus — and here is the really big news — the return of Project Runway to Lifetime. Woo hoo! Up at 8 PM is the two hour All-Stars competition followed by the show’s debut in Los Angeles.

Finally, given that the BGWE went missing at the TCA two weeks ago, and that last week’s BGWE was all about the TCA, I know the BGWE’s most avid fans won’t be happy when I tell you that the BGWE is going on vacation next week.

I’ll continue when the booing and yelling has stopped. Dum dum dum da de dum. Such potty-mouths! All done?

Good, because the BGWE feels really bad about abandoning you, but not only has the BGWE only had one day off in the past four weeks, he hasn’t had a real vacation in two years.

Now I know what you’re thinking: didn’t the BGWE just spend two weeks hanging out in sunny Los Angeles hobnobbing with the cast of True Blood, Kathy Griffin, Russell Tovey, David Tennant and a slew of other stars?

The BGWE hanging with his new best friends! Doesn’t he look skinny!

The BGWE admits this is fun and cool, but he would also say that doing so after working for ten hours and doing it for two weeks straight is actually exhausting work. Heck, the column doesn’t normally shower until noon, dress in anything other than sweats or converse face-to-face with another human being more than once a day.

And trying to dazzle Alan Ball with how smart, witty and informed you are is not easy!

Frankly, if the BGWE doesn’t stop working twelve hour days and get out of the office, he’s going to strip off all his clothes and run naked screaming down the street.

You don’t really want to this happen to the BGWE, do you?

And trust me when I saw that after sitting in dark ballrooms for the past two weeks and watching panels and eating and sitting and eating and watching screeners and sitting and doing interviews, you do not want to see the BGWE naked right now.

And the column can’t impose itself on Dennis or Snicks who are already doing extra to keep the site going while I’m gone. So the BGWE appreciates your understanding while he goes to northern Idaho to visit family and lay next to a lake for ten hours a day.

Now I’ll shut up so you can have the BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER!